It has been almost two months since I’ve posted on this blog. A few days after my last post, we ended up losing our second baby. To think we have lost two babies is still such a surreal thing for me. Some time has passed, and most days I am okay, but some days I still cry. My sister said it best yesterday when we were texting and she said “give yourself grace”. I needed to hear that more than anything and she was so right. It is okay to feel all the emotions and I do not have to put this all into a box.
I didn’t talk about this miscarriage as much as I did our last one, because I felt like people didn’t want to hear it. I never want to feel like I am complaining about things. However, this is our story. And this is my blog. And quite frankly, I can write about whatever the hell I want to write about. So for the first time, I am sitting down and writing about our second loss.
From the moment we found out we were pregnant with this baby, we both just KNEW this was our “take home baby”. We both felt it in our gut that this was going to be the baby that joined us on earth. You know when everything just works out WAY too perfect and you’re thinking “YES! THIS IS IT!”? That was this moment for us. Everything lined up so perfect and the timing was everything. We were over the moon excited (as most people are when they are pregnant) and we just couldn’t wait for the next chapter in our lives.
So where do I begin? I went in for my 14 week appointment and they couldn’t find a heartbeat. Go figure, this is the one appointment that I’m alone for. I sat in the doctors office and sobbed my heart out. Bless my doctor. He’s a trooper. After some discussion, we decided a D&C would be best for me. (And after the D&C, my doc told me that decision could have saved my life.) So I drove the 45 mins home from the doctors, spent the whole rest of the day crying and breaking the news to family. You know, it’s a horrible thing to have to tell people that you’ve miscarried. I always feel like I’m letting them down. Like i’ve ruined their own plans or stolen joy from them. It’s horrible and I hate every second of it. Then we headed off to the hospital the next morning. That 45 min drive felt like a lifetime. I said to my husband “I feel like I’m transporting this baby to its funeral. Like….it’s not longer living inside of me and I’m bringing it to go back to heaven.”
What was supposed to be a short procedure and a few hours recovery in out-patient surgery turned into much more than that. I don’t need to, or want to, share the details of everything that happened because quite frankly, I’m still a little traumatized by it all. Long story short I ended up staying in the hospital overnight. It was a long night with no sleep, lots of tears, and just thankful in that moment to be in the care of good doctors and nurses. That night our daughter had a dance performance so M drove the 45 mins back home to watch it, and then drove back to the hospital to stay the night with me. We had a wedding to film that weekend 2 1/2 hours away, so M had to leave at 5 am for that, and my mother in law came and stayed with me until I was discharged. Both of them are so amazing and I am so humbled by them both.
Everything felt like a dream for far too long. I just couldn’t wrap my head around the fact that we had just lost our SECOND baby. I don’t know how many people feel this way with miscarriage, but I kept thinking to myself “why me? why us?” Sadly I still do not have answers for those questions, but I’ve said before that I do have hope in Gods plan for our life and I am clinging onto that in this season of life right now.
I don’t know when we will get pregnant again. I don’t know what our future pregnancies will look like. I don’t know any of the in-between stuff. But I do know this, I have a story to tell. I have touched lives through being open and honest about miscarriage, and I am thankful for that.
To everyone who has reached out to us in this time, it means more to us than you know. Having a tribe of people surround you in difficult times truly is lifechanging.