If you are clicking on this post, you most likely know someone who has had a miscarriage. Or perhaps that person is you. Let me start by saying miscarriage is SO hard. It is hard and it is beyond crappy and it is heartbreaking. I am hoping this post can bring a little insight for you and/or bring a little bit of healing to your hurting heart.
If you know anything about us or our story, you know we have had our fair share of miscarriages and I feel that I can talk confidently about this topic. I will say with each time we have miscarried, it never gets easier and the pain doesn’t just “stop” or “go away”. I have always been VERY open about our struggle through infertility and our constant battles with recurrent miscarriages. With being open on the internet comes a LOT of questions from people (which I so appreciate), and my NUMBER ONE asked question is “what do you say to someone who has lost their baby?!”
Such a good question!!
I know not everyone is the same. I know not every grieves the same. I know not everyone processes loss the same way. AND THAT IS OKAY! But I do believe, with everything in me, each person needs to feel love and support during such a hard time in their life, whether they admit it or not. Sometimes we just need community and sometimes we just need to feel LOVED.
Before I get into “what to say”, I want to share WHAT NOT TO SAY. And yes, these are real things that people say to someone after they have miscarried…I don’t write these things down to be mean, but I genuinely think some people just DON’T realize what they are saying is a little…rude.
“It just wasn’t meant to be right now!”
“Probably for the better that it happened before more complications came”
“But you’re like….okay….right?”
“You’re young! You can just get pregnant again!”
I want to share a story from the first time I miscarried. I don’t think this person even knows the impact she had on my life, but I wanted to share this special moment that I hold so close and dear to my heart.
After I miscarried for the first time I didn’t leave my bed for DAYS. I literally just laid in bed and sobbed. (Two years later I realized I had PPD and it ALL made sense but that is another story for another day). I had a few people stop by our house with flowers, candy, and hugs and it was SO appreciated. But one girl stopped by and it changed everything for me. I was in my pajamas, looking like a complete wreck, and heard someone knocking. I went to answer it and opened the door to this special girl holding a plate of cupcakes and she said “I know we don’t know each other, but I heard what happened and I wanted to bring something by for you and tell you that I love you!” Guys, I cried. A lot. And I cry every time I share that story and I’m crying now as I type this out. You can’t even imagine the impact that had on my life. It was so simple. “We don’t know each other….BUT I LOVE YOU!” Wow. So huge. And such a testament as to how we should really be treating people, right?! (Side note: if you were that girl, and you are reading this post, I want you to know what a HUGE and monumental impact you have had on my life. You probably never thought twice about your sweet gesture, but on my hardest days I think of you and I try to be a better person because of you.)
Miscarriage is hard. It is hard emotionally and it is hard physically. With that being said, I think there is so much you could say to someone who has experienced a miscarriage.
– It’s okay to not be okay. I needed to hear this more times than I can count.
– How is your husband doing? And your other kid(s)? (It is a loss for the WHOLE family, not just mama)
– Can I bring you dinner? (Like I said, miscarriage is PHYSICALLY hard and sometimes it’s nice not to have to cook!)
– What’s your favorite dessert? I will bring it over! (Even just ding dong ditch it at their door if they aren’t up for visitors)
– I love you. So little. But oh so important.
– We are heartbroken, too. We are rooting for you guys to get your baby here.
– I can’t imagine the pain, but when you’re ready to talk, I am here to listen.
– I have been there, and I know how bad this hurts. You are validated in your feelings.
– Do you want to go for a drive and get a soda?
– You are brave and strong and one hell of a woman!
– Even just a simple text that says “I am thinking of you.”
Like I said earlier, I know each woman is different in how they process or grieve. I don’t think these suggestions are “one size fits all” type of suggestions. If you have a friend who has miscarried, I encourage you to find out what her love language is and maybe try something that fits within those. You could pick up her kids from school one day, you could see if she needs help with dishes, you could just come sit on the couch and chit chat about life if she’s up for it.
There are a million things you could say or do for someone who has miscarried. I think 90% of the time people just don’t know “WHAT” to say. AND I TOTALLY GET THAT! It is a hard topic. It is a hard thing in life to go through. But I promise if you know someone who has miscarried, reaching out to them in some way is always going have a positive impact on them.
If YOU have gone through a miscarriage yourself, please know that my heart goes out to. I know the pain all too well. Our family has experienced loss like I never thought imaginable. I know sometimes the pain of losing a baby seems like it will never heal. I want you to know that you are NOT alone. You are loved. You are important and you are VALUED.